Life

I find myself frequently looking back at my life. So many things have changed. So many things I wish I could go back and do over differently. I can't help but realize that so many of the bad decisions I made have drastically impacted my life as it is now. I do understand that it isn't wise to dwell on past mistakes, but if I had done it more often growing up I might have actually learned from those mistakes a lot faster. One of the biggest mistakes I ever made still affects me. I can change but it is extremely hard.

I really regret giving up piano. I will start again. That is one of my biggest regrets. I should have sat up straighter like my parents told me, because if i had i wouldn't have a hunch back now. Many, many things I would change.

If I hadn't moved so often I could have had a friend in whom I could confide anything in. That is something i truly wish i had. It is one of the things that makes me extremely lonely. My nature is to help others with their problems, not spill my own to them. Too many times I have been burned because people see me as a freak, or a stalker, because of my friendliness. I have been called gay, a pervert, and many other undesirable titles. The worst was when someone I had considered a close friend, and truly believed was, turned out to actually consider me many of the above mentioned things. It does have much to do with small town mentality, the unwritten law that says anyone who didn't grow up here is an outcast, or can never truly be one of them. Small minded people.

Though if I hadn't moved here I would never have met many of the friends I have today. They have been like a blanket of comfort at times, at others I have messed up horribly. I tend to act rashly and without thinking. I have gained and lost friends, all while being in this town. What shocked me is, when I reconnected with old friends I hadn't seen in years, it seemed like it had only been yesterday. They welcomed me back like I had been there the whole time. I was so concerned that I would still be an outsider even in my old hometown, but those fears were unfounded.

I don't often get the chance to talk to all those whom I am close to. My older brother is away at his own college. My younger brother I never see. Two of my sisters I never get the chance to talk to, and my oldest sister doesn't want to talk to us anyways (not that i care about that). The friends I have made in this town are all scattered about now, and my old friends are the same. I am always on the move for work, and I am just now starting to get active again (a long needed change).

I know that this is life, and it happens to everybody. I suppose that since I didn't have the same kind of childhood as others my age, what with the moving and all, and the lack of interest in many of the things they were interested in, I am wanting to hold on more. I like things that many kids like, and am always told I need to act more like an adult in the things I like and do. It's not regressing because I never was that way. I suppose I am subconsciously making up for it now.

I just wanted to get all that down. Sometimes it seems too much, but I will survive. I always do. :)